Hello, I'm a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
— Rory Turnbull (@_roryturnbull) January 1, 2019
10/10 would recommend pic.twitter.com/MGL9bhkQXK
— harry (@doztec) January 4, 2019
Mom: “Come help me get the groceries out of the car”
— IG: 𝓶𝓬𝓶𝔁𝓬𝓿_𝓲 🛸✨ (@anesuishec) January 14, 2019
Me: pic.twitter.com/kR5yvvMqU7
dogs lick us because they know we have bones inside n they want em
— ismael (@unofficialish) January 7, 2019
Me making different accounts to get that free first month subscription pic.twitter.com/6guoeNcSpc
— MarQz (@marquezzz202) February 9, 2019
When you’re on a roller coaster and you know the camera is coming up pic.twitter.com/6eqjK4yp4F
— ☃️ (@dalysluna) February 10, 2019
— Ashleighynne (@Spencee_daddy) March 12, 2019
My brain is like my internet browser. I got like 19 tabs open , three of them are glitching... and where the fuck is that music coming from
— Wavy (@classynastyy) March 18, 2019
i’m not gonna ask you again, what the fuck is in your mouth pic.twitter.com/LOw16CqPeJ
— chris (@skatehair) June 28, 2019
Uber driver: ..........
— evil (@evilbart24) August 13, 2019
Me: ...........
Uber driver: ............
Me: .............
Uber driver: .............
Me: ................
Uber driver: ................
Me: ..................
Uber driver: you have arrived
Me: 5 Stars
Me getting ready for the outing i said yes to pic.twitter.com/yjKKmTE2LD
— Emeka (@emekanu) September 4, 2019
i don't even understand the premise. "after paying for my $1.8M house, showering my children with care, going on vacations, paying for entertainment, and saving money, i have NOTHING LEFT." well that's because you've covered the entire spectrum of human experience you greedy fuck— Law Boy, Esq. (@The_Law_Boy) September 30, 2019
Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off: pic.twitter.com/LCtGclewhB
— ((((((Sᴄʀᴜ̈ᴇɢɢS)))))) (@scrueggs) October 10, 2019
Starting a podcast in 2019 pic.twitter.com/Lrx39rXNSp— Mike Camerlengo (@MCamerlengo) October 19, 2019
Capitalism: good news! with technology we can produce more with half the work.— Existential Comics (@existentialcoms) October 24, 2019
Workers: cool! so we only have to work half the hours?
Capital: …
Workers: we get paid double?
Capital: …
Workers: we retire sooner?
Capital: …
Workers: …
Capital: btw, we rolled back your pensions
Me, writing an email:— Grace Segers (@Grace_Segers) October 24, 2019
I'm using an exclamation point so you know I'm friendly and excited! But now I'm using a period so that you know I'm not crazy. Here's another sentence with a period as a buffer, proving my normalness. Thanks so much!
every documentary on netflix is called “Overgrown: How all food actually Kills You” and the cover is a corn cob with a grenade pin in it— jack wagner (@jackdwagner) October 22, 2019
this is so fucking funny the internet really was better 10 years ago pic.twitter.com/DiHqVviOTE— travis higgzorz (@higgzorz) October 31, 2019
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?— Víkrám; विक्रम; ਵਿਕਰਮ ; وکرم۔ (@gvicks) November 4, 2019
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Took my kids to Chuck E Cheese yesterday. A lot of tension in the band. pic.twitter.com/lRn2An2bUE— Marla Caceres (@MarlaCaceres) November 10, 2019
TWITTER, 2006: Join the conversation! Wow! Tell us what's on your mind!— TIM™ by FACEBOOK® (@burgerdrome) November 13, 2019
TWITTER, 2019: Your account was banned because you told the President of Turkey that his decision to commit genocide "sucks ass"
We got a new video baby monitor and I think that was a mistake pic.twitter.com/Cu3Qwb0baJ— Bourbon Eggnog Socialist (@PassionPopSoc) November 14, 2019
can you imagine the hysterical reaction if someone had suggested the creation of public libraries today. ‘for free? how are you going to pay for that, STALIN?'— Jon Stone (@joncstone) November 15, 2019
therapist: you're overthinking— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) November 15, 2019
me: what if-
therapist: don't
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
One day, when they finally look back and evaluate it all, pretty sure Western Civilization reached its apex right here. pic.twitter.com/IFlwK6re5k— Super 70s Sports (@Super70sSports) November 21, 2019
“Screenshot for the blocked? Screenshot for the blocked?” pic.twitter.com/9sx2EuUOE9— the artist unfortunately known as (@babadookspinoza) November 21, 2019
Jesus it’s enormous https://t.co/gLhdHtWZLf
— Nic Sampson (@NicSampson) November 27, 2019
Doctor: ”Okay, so what’s wrong with you today?”
— ѕнα∂ყ™ ➐ (@6illeh) December 3, 2019
Me: *Turns to my mom* pic.twitter.com/hPGXt6xHFM
I saw a girl post her Spotify top artists on her Instagram story with the caption “so accurate”. Like yeah it’s accurate... it’s literally data
— 🤠 (@manster_mash) December 5, 2019
rich people hate taxes, so i propose we rebrand the wealth tax and instead call it "dues" or "membership fee" and then when someone pays over $1 billion in taxes we send them a shiny black card that says "government recognized billionaire". this will work.
— Teresa Lee 🏳️🌈 (@leresatee) December 15, 2019
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