The year that was, narrado por los sufridos tuiteros del mundo angloparlante. Un repaso en estricto orden cronológico con la inestimable colaboración de Nico Poore, que me fue pasando muchos de ellos al momento de su publicación.
Saoirse Ronan has been nominated for an Oscar four times. She's 25. I got on a Dublin bus last week and asked the driver for 'A bus, please'.
— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) January 13, 2020
A short story of betrayal pic.twitter.com/YOQVe7lRRS
— 🇱🇨 (@Kinglrg_) January 17, 2020
hahahaa just got this comment on a tiktok like "the best tiktoks are the ones where the ending is unexpected" like yeah sis it's called a punchline. you like comedy
— matt,, (@mattthealt) January 21, 2020
your thirties are all about finding a satisfying niche interest and channeling your whole personality into it. baking, knitting, craft coffee, composting, homebrew - anything you like that keeps you distracted from your own mortality
— Lauren L Walker (@LLW902) January 27, 2020
editor: this better not be like last time
— gen z rep elle (@ellewasamistake) January 10, 2020
kafka: it's a coming of age story
editor: ok
kafka: about a boy who's changed, but his family won’t accept him
editor: i'm listening
kafka: because he's changed into a bug
editor: there we go
kafka: like a real big fuckin bug
"I know you from Twitter"
— ktb 💾 (@kevinbaker) February 1, 2020
- Embarrassing for everyone involved
- Humiliating
- Too online
"Your reputation precedes you"
- Cool and scary
- Mysterious
- Potentially ominous
- Old-timey villian
“I’ve CC’d in my boss”
— ruby🦎 (@roobeekeane) January 29, 2020
- professional
- corporate
- mildly threatening
“You wanna say that in front of Greg?”
- confident
- threat level 9000
- who is Greg and what is he capable of
what if Greta Thunberg is in a kind of Ferris Bueller situation where she just wanted one day off school and it’s spiralled out of control
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) February 5, 2020
welcome to england pic.twitter.com/CaYLv6GtbO
— moth dad (@innesmck) February 8, 2020
HEADLINE: How The Demise of a Once Popular Business Shows How the Internet Has Changed American Retail
— Post-Culture Review (@PostCultRev) February 10, 2020
FIVE PARAGRAPHS INTO THE STORY: The business was bought up last year by a hedge fund that raided its pension plan, buried it in debt and intentionally ran it into the ground
mr rogers no pic.twitter.com/80ZCbM6kwi
— hi i’m jaxon (@JaxonJackrabbit) March 2, 2020
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one pic.twitter.com/4bQyfIntoI
— ➰ (@animesvns) March 4, 2020
I love how major American cities are like "due to fears about coronavirus, we will now be cleaning public spaces with some regularity"
— abolicious (@telushk) March 9, 2020
every single contemporary short story is like ‘i was wearing yellow nailpolish the day my sister turned into a bird’
— A K BLAKEMORE (@akblakemore) March 10, 2020
Someone sneezed at Disney World and I just saw a cast member take the person outside and we heard a gun shot but the cast memeber said it was unrelated
— k(la) (@blessedswift) March 12, 2020
“if we stop going to brunch, we’re giving in to fear!”
— molly conger (@socialistdogmom) March 15, 2020
the virus isn’t a terrorist, susan. it doesn’t want to scare you, it wants to get inside your cells and replicate itself and it probably lives on that laminated mimosa menu.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) March 17, 2020
- whiny
- boring
- weak
“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
- heroic, valiant
- they will assume you have a sword
- impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
starting to see why they always make this part of the zombie movie into a zippy montage
— Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) March 18, 2020
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) March 21, 2020
2020 started with the assassination of an international political figure and threats of nuclear war and that’s just a side plot
— giabuchi (@jaboukie) March 23, 2020
Money printer go brrrrr
— Paul Musgrave🍕 (@profmusgrave) March 24, 2020
* juvenile
* inaccurately characterizes monetary policy
* is the sound a money counter makes
Money printer goes skzzt-skzzt
* retro dot-matrix sound
* accurately reflects federal tech spending
* onomatopoeia for frictional policymaking process
*walking into an ER during an unrelated pandemic* i fell onto my knife sculpture
— 𝘋𝘈𝘙𝘊𝘐𝘌 𝘞𝘐𝘓𝘋𝘌𝘙 (@333333333433333) April 2, 2020
From "unskilled labor" to "essential worker" in one pandemic.
— 𝐠𝐚𝐲 𝐰𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐝𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐧 🏳️🌈 (@disco_socialist) April 3, 2020
white europeans be like “donald trump is... how you say... racist? very bad. anyvay ve must dispose of ze refugees”
— giabuchi (@jaboukie) April 4, 2020
— your bff alex (@psybermonkey) April 4, 2020
"timothee chalamet... haven't heard that name in years" pic.twitter.com/Rw7H4hTx5h
— david (@Ioversdiscourse) April 5, 2020
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) April 8, 2020
Remember when we thought watching Uncut Gems was the most stressed out we’d ever be for at least a couple months
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) April 9, 2020
Oh, you're a Joe Biden fan? Name three of his complete sentences.
— Lena (@banalplay) April 10, 2020
much like the USSR my granddad collapsed in 1991 while getting mcdonalds
— MiniVAN Morrison (@honker3d) April 11, 2020
my brain these days pic.twitter.com/97r4IhKBfP
— #9 Dreamer (@KillerEyesQueen) April 10, 2020
You've invented the lunch break pic.twitter.com/MstwQ1pZCP
— Jeremy Thomson-Cook (@JThomsonCook) April 15, 2020
I like how ads have gone from “buy a toyota” to “this is a difficult and uncertain time for us all...buy a toyota”
— chief posting officer (@InternetHippo) April 14, 2020
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) April 15, 2020
Recognition is great, but you know what's even better? A living wage. pic.twitter.com/73bdMTBjne
— Living Morganism (@ok_girlfriend) April 17, 2020
Time traveler: What year is it?
— adnan (@adnanmsl) April 17, 2020
Me: 2020
Time traveler: Oh the first year of quarantine!
Me: pic.twitter.com/hUudREDkKu
sorry i don't work from home as a cotton candy machine operator https://t.co/Ml72ErMCLI
— elizabeth (@spindlypete) April 17, 2020
i owe the Jurassic Park franchise an apology, it is in fact very realistic the rich would reopen a park in spite of it consistently resulting in mass death
— Brett (@Relentlessbored) April 22, 2020
Airlines sending me “we’re in this together” emails. When my suitcase was 52 pounds I was on my own.
— Mikeyunbelievable (@MikeDentale) April 22, 2020
Young Al Pacino looks like all the Beatles all at once. pic.twitter.com/5GR6I6dkhl
— Nate DiMeo (@thememorypalace) May 3, 2020
A Priest giving social distance blessings with a squirt pistol and what, I'm assuming, is Holy water. 2020 folks. pic.twitter.com/iDnYs33hs9
— Jeff Barnaby (@tripgore) May 15, 2020
People are like “how are these people refusing to wear masks in stores” but when I worked in retail people would regularly take a dump in the dressing rooms so what I’m saying is maybe lower your expectations for humanity
— Amber Sparks🪓 (@ambernoelle) May 19, 2020
How the computer gonna ask me if ima robot? Bitch you're a robot.
— Niggaz Be WILIN (@NiggazWILIN) May 27, 2020
Getting an 8pm curfew alert on my phone during a pandemic and Depression while Trump invites Putin to the US is about where I thought we'd be in year 4 of Trump.
— Ben Rhodes (@brhodes) May 31, 2020
I'm laughing so hard please keep this one pic.twitter.com/j2cpcJwfPp
— selene - 𝕔𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕞𝕖 𝕜𝕒𝕜𝕒𝕣𝕠𝕥 (@oceanselene) June 9, 2020
You’re not “letting the dishes soak”. You’re an adult. Stop lying to yourself.
— giabuchi lastrassi (@jaboukie) June 12, 2020
Absolutely no idea pic.twitter.com/BJJP4mgC0K
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 13, 2020
I can’t stop laughing at the reasoning for Twister’s PG-13 rating pic.twitter.com/SdIZtVuRyH
— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) June 15, 2020
monk: just a normal letter ‘M’ please
— ruby (@roobeekeane) June 21, 2020
scribe: pic.twitter.com/eGwKTb9mDZ
nobody:
— red moyota🏎️ (@broth3rmo) June 23, 2020
music videos in the 90s: pic.twitter.com/AQBTY9dj8G
Fox News has done to our parents what they thought gangsta rap would do to us pic.twitter.com/7tv5SRb6Xz
— Seltzer In Place (@VernorsHerzog) June 29, 2020
Applying for jobs in the middle of a pandemic pic.twitter.com/wRLgclUIL2
— Dan (@kingdeficit) July 2, 2020
is there a world leader with more photos of them looking massively unwell in a hospital than jair bolsonaro pic.twitter.com/asO0cWyLA9
— henno (@jrhennessy) July 7, 2020
This is a poem about America. pic.twitter.com/QsaCb3GwVS
— Amanda Guinzburg (@Guinz) July 8, 2020
Y’all be like “Alexa is it true that the Tik Tok app is farming data?”
— Lil Sasquatch (@lilsasquatch66) July 9, 2020
https://t.co/yhb8WDhCMj pic.twitter.com/AkR3U20UBS
— Ad Infinitum (@Ad_Inifinitum) July 11, 2020
why do people think u go to college and get radicalized by "commie professors" u go and get radicalized by eating ramen for 2 months straight while building up 6 figure debt and then seeing that jeff bezos officially became richer than god
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) July 19, 2020
— Rob Spitale (@SpitaleLab) July 19, 2020
Getting money from the government https://t.co/4eYM0foO5I
— Kate Kelly (@Kate_Kelly_Esq) July 22, 2020
At least during the 1918 pandemic they had cocaine in their soda
— sarah slothanova (@slothanova) July 30, 2020
Trump is reportedly banning TikTok so if you want to watch 16 year olds dance you have to get on a plane with Bill Clinton.
— Tim Dillon (@TimJDillon) August 1, 2020
Me: This pizza is really good!
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) August 4, 2020
Somebody Who Visited Italy With Their Family For A Week When They Were 14: *sighs* It’s fine...
Funny how it's always "The Simpsons predicted the future" and never "We created ourselves a nightmare world beyond parody".
— Kung Fu Monster D (@Duerer95) August 4, 2020
MARCH COMMERCIAL: during these uncertain times, we’re thinking of you and your family
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) August 5, 2020
AUGUST COMMERCIAL: look you might as well catch it at burger king
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) August 5, 2020
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
— not brendan (@crocodilethumbs) August 5, 2020
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Legit thougt this was batman twerking pic.twitter.com/eMUbwguLS7
— jorge (@NoOneCorrectMe) August 7, 2020
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
— James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) August 10, 2020
“I hope this email finds you well” Me, finding this email: pic.twitter.com/gSZS5a13P7
— ♡𐐪𐑂 analisa lil foo 𐐪𐑂♡ (@analisaochoaa) August 22, 2020
when the Zoom call ends and I am left with my thoughts pic.twitter.com/BBp6NEDg4C
— ruby (@roobeekeane) August 23, 2020
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
— Sophia Cadogan (@sophiacadogan) September 2, 2020
World: *on fire*
— Rich Posert (@PlethoraChutney) September 9, 2020
Pandemic: *unabated*
Fascism: *rising*
My boss: how's data analysis going
My wife and I made custom skaters on Tony Hawk and we look like a couple who got arrested because our baby died. pic.twitter.com/dk8CyneVzM
— Patrick Hastie (@PatrickHastie) September 11, 2020
when i was a kid i was watching marilyn manson dope show on mtv over breakfast and i was like "whoa this is wild" and my mom looked up from the newspaper narrowed her eyes at him and said "this seems really derivative, i've seen all this before" and went back to reading
— LB Hunktears (@hunktears) September 13, 2020
absolute thrill to give the pan a little shake when im cooking. no idea what the fuck im doing but it sure makes me feel fancy
— thomas 🍌 (@perfectsweeties) September 15, 2020
me whenever i have a single thought pic.twitter.com/5UIKLpxU2a
— Hagai Palevsky | he/him (@DialHForHagai) September 14, 2020
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
— 👻Screaming Spectre KILLoquy😱 (@Caulimovirus) September 17, 2020
no one:
— عابد (@NasheedWallace) September 23, 2020
some guy on LinkedIn:
Yesterday, I interviewed an excellent candidate. But he seemed poor. I do not like that. I told him he does not deserve to be happy. He wept, “Please King, I am a human!” I thought, “Wow, he is a human.” I hired him. A learned a lesson: I am great.
CHRIS WALLACE, MINUTE 1: Hello, gentlemen. I'm expecting a respectful debate
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) September 30, 2020
CHRIS WALLACE, MINUTE 12: Jesus Christ Mr. President, we just need 3 seconds of you not shouting. Just 3
trump: i support bad things. my opponent supports good things
— Shaunt (@shaun_vids) September 30, 2020
biden: shut up, man. i do not
Always funny when bike guys make hand signals at me. sorry bro dont speak bike nerd good luck with whatever
— Mark Beef (@brogadishu) October 4, 2020
anybody else almost miss the quarantine of march/april where at least the rules were clear instead of this vague and bad time where like half of your friends are shut indoors and the other half are recreating woodstock at the local bar
— wingtip (@itswingtip) October 11, 2020
You: 40 years ago--
— Olivia Hofer (@oghofer) October 17, 2020
Me: ah, so 1960
You: No, 1980.
Me: no
Dude looks like he just reached the final boss of a decolonization rpg. pic.twitter.com/XzCKzBaP8Y
— K.Diallo ☭ (@nyeusi_waasi) October 18, 2020
capitalism: if you don’t like how your job treats you you can just get a new one
— hyperlink (@hyperlinkthedog) October 18, 2020
me: ok i want a new job
capitalism: oh sorry it’s the time every 6 yrs where the entire economy is fucking destroyed so rich people can loot it right now. why don’t you beg in the street for scraps
walmart boss: ur fired
— thomas 🍌 (@perfectsweeties) October 21, 2020
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it's cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
— leslie (@MightBeLeslie) November 5, 2020
bruce wayne: i am going to help the citizens of gotham
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) November 7, 2020
alfred: that’s wonderful sir which public assistance programs will you help fund
bruce wayne: alfred, dress me like a bat
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
— thomas 🍌 (@perfectsweeties) November 10, 2020
the 2 types of communists pic.twitter.com/3cjJI8mrju
— (BLM) narancia gaming (@naranciagaming) November 15, 2020
General rule of thumb: if you click somebody's Wikipedia page and their parents also have Wikipedia pages you should be skeptical of any opinions they hold about the "working class"
— ben "christ más" flores (@limitlessjest) November 19, 2020
Joe Biden every time he wins Georgia pic.twitter.com/NfGlkiiGYe
— Parson Brown Anthony™ (@anthelonious) November 19, 2020
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) November 28, 2020
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
— schrödinger's cat. (@nehathemartian) November 30, 2020
This is groundbreaking stuff pic.twitter.com/6JHKyEN2wP
— Michael Kofi A.||♤🇬🇭 (@MikeKofiA) December 3, 2020
[phone rings at any time of day]
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) December 10, 2020
me: what maniac would call me right now
hello, hasbro? i’m calling about- yes, it’s me again. calling about the- that’s right, the furbies. seems they’ve invented god again. they’re chanting and they’ve trapped me in the bathroom. sure ok. yes, i can hold.
— silent nate, holy nate (@MNateShyamalan) December 11, 2020
If you live in America one of these two men is always the president. pic.twitter.com/Tke6aL1Q04
— Colby Day (@thecolbyday) December 12, 2020
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